Short People (Vintage Contemporaries) Read online

  MERIT BADGE

  I don’t know who started the lie that Boy Scouts is a club for fags and puds, but whoever it was’ll be sorry if he’s ever lost in the woods without one of us around. A Boy Scout would be able to tell him what berries are poisonous and what ones you can eat and he’d know how to build a rabbit trap out of twigs laying on the ground, and even if nobody had any matches, he’d still be able to get a fire lit to cook that rabbit. A Scout would have all kinds of nature know-how so everybody could find their way back to town without getting killed by a bear and stuff. If he didn’t have a Scout around, that guy who thinks he’s too-cool wouldn’t even be able to figure out which way is north and he’d probably starve or die of frostbite or something and nobody would ever find him until all his muscles had gotten eaten by wolves and the rest of him was all disintegrated.

  So I could learn stuff like that and go camping and stuff is why I joined Boy Scouts. I didn’t join so I could run around naked in the woods with other boys. That would be like going out for football so you could take showers with the football players, and nobody would do that. If you even thought about getting a woody in the shower with everybody there and everything, you’d get beat up.

  That’s why it’s not fair I’m getting kicked out now . . .

  One of the other cool things Scouts do is me and Jake and the rest of the troop built a lookout tower in the high school gym up in Oshkosh at the Boy Scout Expo. And yesterday we got to build one again at the Jamboree. We didn’t kill any trees or anything cause we were careful and found a whole bunch of really long dead ones that we could make into these great big poles and we scraped the bark off so they were all white and shiny and stuff. Then we took other trees and cut them up to tie up in squares that sort of got smaller and smaller the higher you climbed on the tower. And we made floors on every square so it could be three floors tall. And we made railings so you can’t fall off. And a ladder too, so you could get up there. It was like sixty feet big, and it was way cooler than the one in the Boy Scout manual.

  After we made the Expo one, Jake climbed all the way to the top before anybody else could even get there and then he shouted, “I’m king of the lookout tower, hear me roar!” and then he roared and it was really loud all over the gym and everybody shut up and looked at him, so he walked around and roared some more and stuff, and then he raised his arms like a World Wrestling champion except his gold belt was pretend. Mr. Schultz was getting all mad and walking back and forth and stuff, so Jake grabbed on to the metal beam things on the roof of the gym and swung on them like he was gonna do the monkey bars all the way across to the bleachers. After that, Mr. Schultz climbed up and made Jake get down right now so we could do rope making and knot tying like we were supposed to. When Jake was back off the tower, everybody told him how cool he was and everything, and he got even tougher, like even more cool.

  For like three hours at the Expo I had to tie knots on the second floor. It got so boring cause I only know about five knots and I had to do them over and over again and none of the people who were supposed to look at us tying knots were looking at us anyway. There were like a hundred and fifty troops in the gym all doing different things, and except for our tower, what we were doing was the most boring of any of them—everybody already knows how to tie knots. There was this one thing that looked cool that I wanted to go see, this troop had this big glass jar with all kinds of chemicals and stuff in it and they had this thing that spun around and pulled string out of the chemicals even though there wasn’t any string in them. I wanted to go look at that, but we weren’t allowed to cause we had to just tie knots all day.

  After I got bored, I made a noose though. I took this like thirty-foot-long rope and tied a great big huge noose on one end and I made the other end into a pile so I could hold it on the other side of the railing. Then I put the noose around my waist really tight, and held on to the rope and jumped off the edge of the tower. It was so cool cause I could pull myself up and down with the other part of the rope and everybody was watching me and stuff. But when Mr. Schultz saw, he started screaming at me that I was gonna break my neck—pretty stupid, cause the noose was around my waist and even if I fell, I wasn’t very high up or anything. He made me get down and not go on the tower again for the rest of the day cause it was such a baby thing to do what I did. Like I’m a Webelos or something. Jake gave me a high five, though, and then I got to go look at that spinny thing with the chemicals, so that was good. The people explained that the chemicals mix up with each other and when they touch the air they turn into nylon, like morphing or something. Pretty trippy.

  Anyway, it wasn’t a big deal or anything. Even though I did the thing with the noose, the Expo gave our tower first prize. That’s why we got to build one in the middle of Elkhart Lake for the Jamboree . . .

  When Jake went camping before, there was this bunch of high school kids in the spot next to his mom and dad’s camper and they had this watermelon that they’d cut a hole in and poured in like a ton of vodka so it got all mixed up with the watermelon. If you do that, you get drunker without even tasting it. Jake partied with them every day and one night, he even got to put his hand down this one girl’s underpants and feel around in there and he stuck his finger in her thing. He let me smell the finger, but I couldn’t smell anything except cigarettes cause Jake smokes and stuff with Chewy. And the girl let him do that to her even though she’s like a senior and a cheerleader up in Oconomowoc. She’s got really big boobs and she’s like in love with him and everything now.

  Once, I asked Jake if I could meet her and he said maybe, but I know he’s not gonna let me. Every time I say anything, he tells me all the things I can’t do in front of her. I can’t talk about Boy Scouts. I can’t talk about comic books or Jim Carrey movies. I can’t even talk about The X-Files. And that’s basically everything there is to talk about. Anyway, Jake’s even more into The X-Files than me, I didn’t even watch it until he explained to me how deep it was about all the important stuff people should think about. And his comic book collection’s like fifty times bigger than mine. And he knows every line of The Mask by heart.

  He won’t even tell me her name cause it’ll jinx it. Every time I ask him about her, he gets all nervous and mad and stuff and starts shaking his leg really hard.

  What it is I bet is that Chewy told him The X-Files and comic books and Jim Carrey movies and stuff were faggy and that his girlfriend would break up with him if he was into them. I bet Chewy told Jake I’m faggy too cause I’m into that stuff. Or else I bet Jake’s girlfriend’s fake.

  If I wanted to I could come up with a better fake girlfriend than Jake and maybe even a real girlfriend. But if I got a real girlfriend I wouldn’t tell Jake about it or anything cause that would be private . . .

  I’m not a fag. And I’m not a pud, neither. Fag and pud is like what everybody says about people in Boy Scouts, so Jake and Chewy should think about that before they start saying stuff like that. They should think about that and not be so much like people who aren’t Scouts. Otherwise it’s all two-faced and everything.

  I could stop being a Scout if I wanted but then I wouldn’t know what to be. And if I did that I couldn’t do all the cool stuff we do. And Jake and Chewy and everybody would all say I stopped cause they don’t like me and walk around at meetings saying stuff about how I’m a fag cause remember when I did whatever and I wouldn’t even get to say they were liars.

  Anyway, I got four merit badges already. I got the Swimming. I got the Fire Safety. I got the Knots. I got the First Aid. And one day when I’m an Eagle Scout, I’ll have more . . .

  Elkhart Lake’s cool. Except for the racetrack and the parking lot and the snack bar and the humungous shower place that smells so much like people went to the bathroom in it you can’t breathe, it’s all like woods and stuff with a whole bunch of trees in these really straight rows that people planted a long time ago after they chopped all the old ones down. The lake isn’t a real lake, though. Somebody made it. Bu
t it’s still way cool, with like fish and logs and stuff floating in it just like a real one has. Mr. Schultz says there’s deer and possums and raccoons in the woods, but I don’t believe him. I haven’t seen any, anyway.

  The best thing at Elkhart Lake is that it’s got girls that live on the other side where there’s houses and it’s not a Boy Scout Jamboree place with a racetrack and everything. They go out water-skiing and stuff and they’re really pretty too.

  When me and Jake went canoeing in the lake, there was this motorboat full of girls getting tans and laying on the front of the boat and stuff, and they had their tops undone, so I said, “Let’s row over closer to them, then maybe they’ll sit up and forget their tops are undone and maybe we’ll get to see their boobs.” But Jake said, “No, I can look at boobs anytime I want on my girlfriend.”

  “Not this week,” I said.

  “But any other time.”

  “Don’t you want to see other boobs, too, though?” I said and he looked at me all mean like I was the one being weird so I said, “And those girls are like really good-looking.”

  “So what,” he said.

  “So we should go try to see their boobs.”

  “That would make my girlfriend jealous.”

  “But don’t you want to see their boobs?”

  “Will you stop fucking whining?” he said.

  “You don’t have to shout!” I shouted and he splashed his paddle and sprayed water all over me, and then there was this girl’s voice that sounded fake sweet but really mean like a cheerleader or something and she said, “Hey, are you guys Boy Scouts?”

  “No,” said Jake.

  The girls were so close now you could see their faces even, and they were all looking at us. This one girl was sitting up but she didn’t have her top off anymore. The other two did, though, and I wanted to stand up cause their boobs were sort of laying there, all round and almost not pressed down on the boat anymore. I bet I could’ve seen them too, but it would’ve been really obvious of me.

  “We’re building a lookout tower,” I said and Jake gave me a dirty look and everybody sat there feeling weird and stuff.

  “So, are you guys like afraid of girls or something?” said the girl without her top undone.

  “No,” said Jake.

  “You seem like it.”

  “We’re not scared of girls. Jake’s got a girlfriend even,” I said and then he whispered “Shut up” really loud.

  “Lucky girl,” she said, and Jake’s face got all red and then he said, “Hey, listen, I’m not trying to be rude or nothing, but we got stuff to do. We can’t sit around talking to you all afternoon.”

  The girl laughed like tee-hee and said, “How old are you?”

  “Sixteen,” he said and looked at me like I better not say he’s lying. As if that’s something I’d do anyway.

  “And I’m fifteen and a half,” I said and all the girls laughed so I laughed too, but Jake gave me another dirty look.

  “So, see ya,” Jake said and then he started rowing, but one of the girls reached around to tie her top back on and sat up really fast and put her fingers under it to make it go on right and I’m almost sure I saw her boobs for a second, so I didn’t help him. “Don’t be a fag, Evan, help me row,” he said, and I had to cause otherwise it would’ve looked bad in front of the girls.

  I turned around and waved while we rowed away and the girl whose boobs I saw said, “Hey, are you guys here all week?” Even though she was talking to me, Jake said, “Yeah,” and she said, “We’re out here every day. Maybe we’ll see you later,” and Jake shrugged and said, “That’s cool.”

  Then the girls pulled the chain on their motor and speeded away.

  Me and Jake rowed over to where there was a hidden part with trees and bushes and stuff growing right in the water. I wanted to tell him that he shouldn’t be mad at me cause he’s the one who didn’t want to talk to them and then got all too-cool when they came over. And he didn’t have to call me a fag and stuff right in front of them. So after I couldn’t hold it any longer I said, “You don’t have to make fun of me in front of girls, Jake,” and he said, “Well, maybe if you didn’t act so stupid all the time, I wouldn’t,” like he was better than me or something.

  He stopped rowing and started smoking a cigarette, and then he laid down on the end of the canoe and smiled at me, but it wasn’t a nice smile, and he was making these really big smoke rings. I could tell he was waiting for me to say something else that he could be mean about, so I said, “I don’t know why you care anyway. You’ve got a girlfriend.”

  “I don’t care,” he said.

  “Yeah, right. Then why’d you pretend to be sixteen and stuff?”

  “No reason. Just to have fun.”

  “I bet you don’t even have a girlfriend.” I never even thought that before I said it, but then it seemed like it was true cause he got all nervous and he sat up and stopped being too-cool and everything.

  “Jealous?” he said.

  “No.”

  He made this I-don’t-believe-you sound, so I said, “Then how come you won’t tell me her name, then, huh?”

  “You know what, Chewy’s right. You are a pud.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “I mean, you’re such a fag. You’re such a dick-whacker. You wouldn’t know what to do with a girl if you had one.”

  “Yes I would.”

  “I bet. What would you do?”

  I didn’t know what to say for a second and then it started to be too long, so I said, “What would you do?”

  “I asked you first.”

  “I’d, I don’t know, talk to her and stuff.”

  “Fag.”

  “And . . . and I’d like look at her boobs and play with them.”

  Jake was smiling like he was making fun of me and I was almost crying cause it seemed like he didn’t even like me anymore.

  “And I’d play with her thing.”

  “You’re such a fag, Evan! Girls don’t have things!” He laughed and laughed and laughed like he was almost gonna fall out of the canoe and I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so I said, “What’s her name?” and Jake laughed at me some more. “What’s her name? If you don’t tell me her name, she must not be real,” I said and Jake scrunched up his face and said, “What’s her name what’s her name what’s her name?” in this extra whiny, squeaky voice. And then he like pouted and put his fingers together to do the world’s tiniest violin thing I hate.

  I held my stomach really tight and my eyes were all like they were burning and I yelled, “Tell me her name, you fucker! Why won’t you tell me her name?” and I rocked the canoe back and forth as hard as I could so the sides almost touched the water and Jake started crawling over the seats and stuff so he could get up by me and he said, “You wanna fight, fag? Is that what you want? I’ll beat you up if that’s what you want so bad.” So I rocked even harder than I thought I could until he fell in the water and the canoe tipped over and I fell in too.

  I hid in the upside-down part where it’s like an air space cause then if Jake wanted to say sorry or whatever he couldn’t just do it like he didn’t mean it, like everything was all cool and stuff. The water was echo-y and extra loud under the canoe so I couldn’t hear anything outside and there were like white glowing lines from the water reflecting all over the metal. It wasn’t really dark or anything so I held the wood things and waited for him to come say sorry. He didn’t even have a choice, cause he couldn’t swim that far back to camp and I wasn’t gonna let the canoe get turned upside up until he did.

  He didn’t for a long time, but that was okay cause there was lots of air in my air space. I started to get scared, though, like maybe he drowned or got twisted up in the lily pads and hit his head on a dead log or something, so I put my head underwater and opened my eyes just to see if you could see down there. I wished Jake would come and say sorry soon and then I’d never talk about his stupid girlfriend again even if she was fake cause then at least
he wouldn’t be dead. Floaty things kept swimming between my legs and I was getting really really scared. Well, not really, but sort of, cause I didn’t know what happened to Jake.

  Then the canoe started shaking really fast and bouncing around and I spazzed out and screamed really loud and then Jake came up inside the canoe and spit a big wad of water at me. He was grinning, though, and I laughed, I was so happy it was just him.

  He said, “It’s cool in here.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  And then it was like I wasn’t mad at him anymore even though I still wanted to be. He shouldn’t have been so mean to me, though, even if I was acting spazzy and stuff, cause I was just trying to figure stuff out about him and there was no reason for him to be mean. It seems like if he was my best friend like he always used to be he wouldn’t make fun of me and try to make me mad and everything. I’m not a baby or a fag or a pud or any of the things he said I was, I just wanted him to keep being my best friend.